Why is defensiveness so detrimental to our relationships? As one of my personal mental health heroes, Dr. Harriet Lerner, would say, “Defensiveness is the nemesis of listening.” »

For what? Because you can't be defensive and listen simultaneously.

It's impossible. There are different levels of defensiveness, and there are many reasons why some people are more defensive than others.

A lot of it has to do with the home you grew up in and the behavior you saw people exhibit as a child. Questions to guide you:

— When problems or conflicts arose, what type of behavior did you witness?
— How did your parents or guardians communicate? With another? With you?
— Did you grow up in a very authoritarian household?
— If you made a mistake, how did you react? Was it a big deal?
— You may have grown up in circumstances where it was natural for you to be defensive or always on guard to protect yourself. If your childhood environment was chaotic, scary, or dangerous and your mistakes or behavior had serious consequences, it makes sense that defensiveness would become part of your self-preservation strategy.

If you grew up in a very strict household, it might even have been very natural for you to lie to get out of trouble. The child in you would benefit from giving yourself a little grace about why you did what you had to do in order to avoid pain or punishment.

In all my years of practice and research, I have learned that having the most effective communication possible is what makes the deepest, most vibrant, healthiest, and most truly loving relationships flourish.

Effective communication is something I'm extremely passionate about, so this week I'm covering defensiveness, how to make ourselves aware of it, and how to prevent it from blocking our greatest potential in all of our relationships.

Want to dive deeper? My friend Mark Groves and I took a 3 hour workshop on transforming the way you communicate in all areas of life. Get scripts, tools, and tips for gracefully navigating difficult discussions, resolving misunderstandings, and developing a happier, healthier approach to communication: https://crushingcommunication.com/

Download the free guide that accompanies this video: https://terricole.com/effective-communication-tips-guide/

*TIME stamp:*
0h00 – Presentation
0:37 – What does it mean to be "defensive"?
1:43 – Why are some of us so defensive? My personal example
5:22 – Why defensiveness is bad for our relationships
7:06 – The link between criticism and defensiveness
8:37 – Tips for clearing your side of the street and getting rid of this dynamic
3:30 p.m. – Why it’s important to become an active listener

*RELATED VIDEOS:*
https://youtu.be/xpkjFkhK6tg – How to communicate effectively during conflict without escalating it
https://youtu.be/thPuQxYeWw0 – 7 strategies to stop being so defensive
https://youtu.be/zEw9I9lyb6g – How to communicate in case of conflict
https://youtu.be/SArj4a4jSec – Setting boundaries with someone who is defensive
https://youtu.be/H7gmwfqTWpM – Boundary script for broadcasting arguments
https://youtu.be/F1qgk5Z1Y0k – How to deal with passive-aggressive behavior

*ABOUT TERRI COLE:*
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and global expert on women's empowerment. She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and then implementing them so that clients and students achieve lasting change. She empowers over 250,000 people each week through her blog, social media platform, exclusive courses, Real Love Revolution and Boundary Bootcamp, and popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. She is also the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free (April 2021)

*LOG IN ON SOCIALS:*
Instagram: https://www.terricole.com/ig
Private community: https://terricole.com/fbg (more on Facebook)
Facebook: https://www.terricole.com/fb
Terri Cole: https://www.terricole.com

*RESOURCES:*
BetterHelp: https://betterhelp.com/terricole I no longer offer individual coaching/therapy sessions but I highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs.

As a team, we fully reviewed BetterHelp's resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help's service, I will receive a commission from the referral, but please know that I only recommend services that I know and trust.

My book, Boundary Boss: https://boundarybossbook.com & The Boundary Boss Workbook: https://boundarybossworkbook.com

Boundary Bootcamp, my signature 8-week course, carefully designed to take you to the next level of empowerment in all your personal professional relationships using a set of positive, proactive boundary skills that no one ever taught you. So far: https://terricole.com/boundarybootcamp

https://www.terricole.com/gethelp/ — If you are in crisis or anyone else may be in danger, the resources on this page can provide you with immediate help.

#terricoleshow #communicationskills #relationshiptips

Please take the opportunity to connect and share this video with your friends and family if you find it useful.